Life

As I sit metaphorically peering in the rear vision mirror, I must confess the thought of doing a U-turn is tempting. If I am being completely honest, which I try to always be, life was a lot simpler before knowing God. If I felt sad or lonely, I would find some quick fix, some solution to make my pain go away. I would even use this technique with the big things in life, like relationships. If I went through a break up, I would slip into a momentary depression, and then just willfully snap out of it, taking on the ‘there are plenty more fish in the sea’ attitude. Then, quite simply I would just go out and find someone else to be with. Someone else to fall in love with, someone else to love me and tell me how special I am. There was always someone who wanted me, I just had to be proactive… Problem solved, right?! If work was too challenging, or annoying, or not exactly where I wanted to be, I would just leave. If there was anything in my life that wasn’t perfect, or that was not making me ‘feel’ good, I would abandon it in a heartbeat. The thought of anything more than a simple, happy, stress free, non-confrontational life made me ill. So I ran. And back then it worked. As I look through these old photos, I look happy, I look radiant, carefree, unburdened. Life was not always great, but I knew how to ‘fix it’. I knew what I had to do to take the pain away, to make life easy again. But, as the old cliche goes, life wasn’t mean’t to be easy.

And nor is faith.

You can only run for so long, before you need to stop and take a good look in the mirror. Suffice to say I did not like what I saw, and for once in my life, I had no idea how to fix it. No amount of running, or seeking, or planning, or denying, or abandoning was going to take away the pain of a lifetime of poor decisions, made by a person overflowing with pride, and bogged down with shame and guilt, desperate to take the pain away. So, the U-turn which at first seemed enticing, upon reflection is not so appealing. Sure, I may have looked happy in those photos, but these were temporary moments captured in a single shot, taken almost always by someone who loved me. Taken by someone who loved me with a temporary love, a love that evolved from my attempts to ‘fix things’, a measured, conditional love that did not last.

I have a choice, there will always be choice. I can do the U-turn and go back to willlfully finding quick fix solutions in the hope that one of these solutions may lead to lasting happiness, or I can place my faith in someone who can see the bigger picture, someone who has loved me since before conception, and will continue to love me well after my last breath. Faith is not a quick solution that will instantly take pain away. Do not be deceived, it is a tough, long, challenging, confrontational journey that lasts forever. A journey that involves a complete transformation from the inside, where no stone is left unturned. There are times when it all seems too difficult, and I want to go back to the blissful ignorance, and false sense of control. What makes the journey bearable is the object of faith, a loving compassionate, kind, gracious God, who is always patient with His children. A God who has already given the ‘solution.’ He has given us a saviour, a protector, a guide, a role model, a safe refuge where love is not temporary, but eternal.

The solution is Jesus. The reward is Heaven.

God bless xx

Today as I sat under the shade of a leafy tree, a live band played my favourite kind of music (acid jazz/funk) on a stage in front of me. The cool breeze was on my face, the sun peaked through the tree’s branches just enough to keep me warm, the crystal water glistened as the boats glided across the bay, the soft clouds created patterns and textures like I’ve never seen before, the eagle soared high in the sky, I thanked God for this blessing.

To my left I noticed two men walking across to the tree I was under. They sat down to share its shade. One of the men, eyes barely open, stumbled as he tried to get comfortable on the grass, beer bottle tucked under his arm, cigarette in his mouth. The other man, much more alert, seemed excited to hear the band as he lit up a ciggie and layed down on the grass propping his head in his hand. This man was strangely familiar to me, even though I knew I had never seen him before. His skin was golden, wrinkly and leathered from too much sun, his hair, a sandy brown was pulled from his face in a pony tail. His hands looked rough, as though they had seen many years of hard labour, his frame was small, his clothes were dirty. He smiled a vacant, toothless smile that spoke of sadness and hardship, and revealed a longing for joy, love, and peace. The men passed the treasured beer bottle, disguised in a plastic bag back and forth between them carefully, so as to go unoticed by police, or anyone else that may report them.

I acknowledged them with a smile, and continued to enjoy the music and the beauty surrounding me. The band introduced their next song, one of their originals titled ‘lost’. The ‘familiar’ man looked up and proclaimed, just loud enough for me to hear “this song must be written about me!” He then chuckled defensively, throwing a blanket of humour over his words to cover the sorrow of their truth. In an instant my heart broke. I know this man. I have seen him on the street corner, the park bench, in the pub at nine in the morning. I have seen him amongst my friends, I have dated him. I know this man… He is in my family, this man was me. In the moment, I prayed for wisdom. Should I say something? Or should I ignore the mans perhaps accidental exposure of his darkest truth? Sadly, I chose the latter. Shortly after I bid him farewell, and wished him a good day.

For the rest of the day I thought of this man. I looked for him again later in the day, but he was gone. Now something compelled me to speak with him. But it was too late. I missed my chance. I am disappointed, I am sad, but I am not going to beat myself up about it, because I know this man, and I am sure you do too. He is lost, and afraid, and needs your love. He does not need your judgment, your pity or your anger. Next time I see this man, I will not turn away. I will trust that when I open my mouth in faith, God will speak through me in all His wisdom and pour out His unconditional love this man needs so desperately. With our hearts filled with the love of Christ, anything is possible. We just have to trust. I was lost, but not anymore because now I know the truth. If you, or someone you know is lost, reach out. Don’t be afraid that you do not have the answers, or that you don’t know what to say… Just open your heart and show them God’s unconditional love, which He has placed in all our hearts, whether you believe it or not.

God bless you.

Amanda x

U-turn permitted.

Lost