Hearts Unfold

Faith. Hope. Love.

U-turn permitted.

by Leave a Comment

As I sit metaphorically peering in the rear vision mirror, I must confess the thought of doing a U-turn is tempting. If I am being completely honest, which I try to always be, life was a lot simpler before knowing God. If I felt sad or lonely, I would find some quick fix, some solution to make my pain go away. I would even use this technique with the big things in life, like relationships. If I went through a break up, I would slip into a momentary depression, and then just willfully snap out of it, taking on the ‘there are plenty more fish in the sea’ attitude. Then, quite simply I would just go out and find someone else to be with. Someone else to fall in love with, someone else to love me and tell me how special I am. There was always someone who wanted me, I just had to be proactive… Problem solved, right?! If work was too challenging, or annoying, or not exactly where I wanted to be, I would just leave. If there was anything in my life that wasn’t perfect, or that was not making me ‘feel’ good, I would abandon it in a heartbeat. The thought of anything more than a simple, happy, stress free, non-confrontational life made me ill. So I ran. And back then it worked. As I look through these old photos, I look happy, I look radiant, carefree, unburdened. Life was not always great, but I knew how to ‘fix it’. I knew what I had to do to take the pain away, to make life easy again. But, as the old cliche goes, life wasn’t mean’t to be easy.

And nor is faith.

You can only run for so long, before you need to stop and take a good look in the mirror. Suffice to say I did not like what I saw, and for once in my life, I had no idea how to fix it. No amount of running, or seeking, or planning, or denying, or abandoning was going to take away the pain of a lifetime of poor decisions, made by a person overflowing with pride, and bogged down with shame and guilt, desperate to take the pain away. So, the U-turn which at first seemed enticing, upon reflection is not so appealing. Sure, I may have looked happy in those photos, but these were temporary moments captured in a single shot, taken almost always by someone who loved me. Taken by someone who loved me with a temporary love, a love that evolved from my attempts to ‘fix things’, a measured, conditional love that did not last.

I have a choice, there will always be choice. I can do the U-turn and go back to willlfully finding quick fix solutions in the hope that one of these solutions may lead to lasting happiness, or I can place my faith in someone who can see the bigger picture, someone who has loved me since before conception, and will continue to love me well after my last breath. Faith is not a quick solution that will instantly take pain away. Do not be deceived, it is a tough, long, challenging, confrontational journey that lasts forever. A journey that involves a complete transformation from the inside, where no stone is left unturned. There are times when it all seems too difficult, and I want to go back to the blissful ignorance, and false sense of control. What makes the journey bearable is the object of faith, a loving compassionate, kind, gracious God, who is always patient with His children. A God who has already given the ‘solution.’ He has given us a saviour, a protector, a guide, a role model, a safe refuge where love is not temporary, but eternal.

The solution is Jesus. The reward is Heaven.

God bless xx

 

 

 

Lost

by Leave a Comment

Today as I sat under the shade of a leafy tree, a live band played my favourite kind of music (acid jazz/funk) on a stage in front of me. The cool breeze was on my face, the sun peaked through the tree’s branches just enough to keep me warm, the crystal water glistened as the boats glided across the bay, the soft clouds created patterns and textures like I’ve never seen before, the eagle soared high in the sky, I thanked God for this blessing.

To my left I noticed two men walking across to the tree I was under. They sat down to share its shade. One of the men, eyes barely open, stumbled as he tried to get comfortable on the grass, beer bottle tucked under his arm, cigarette in his mouth. The other man, much more alert, seemed excited to hear the band as he lit up a ciggie and layed down on the grass propping his head in his hand. This man was strangely familiar to me, even though I knew I had never seen him before. His skin was golden, wrinkly and leathered from too much sun, his hair, a sandy brown was pulled from his face in a pony tail. His hands looked rough, as though they had seen many years of hard labour, his frame was small, his clothes were dirty. He smiled a vacant, toothless smile that spoke of sadness and hardship, and revealed a longing for joy, love, and peace. The men passed the treasured beer bottle, disguised in a plastic bag back and forth between them carefully, so as to go unoticed by police, or anyone else that may report them.

I acknowledged them with a smile, and continued to enjoy the music and the beauty surrounding me. The band introduced their next song, one of their originals titled ‘lost’. The ‘familiar’ man looked up and proclaimed, just loud enough for me to hear “this song must be written about me!” He then chuckled defensively, throwing a blanket of humour over his words to cover the sorrow of their truth. In an instant my heart broke. I know this man. I have seen him on the street corner, the park bench, in the pub at nine in the morning. I have seen him amongst my friends, I have dated him. I know this man… He is in my family, this man was me. In the moment, I prayed for wisdom. Should I say something? Or should I ignore the mans perhaps accidental exposure of his darkest truth? Sadly, I chose the latter. Shortly after I bid him farewell, and wished him a good day.

For the rest of the day I thought of this man. I looked for him again later in the day, but he was gone. Now something compelled me to speak with him. But it was too late. I missed my chance. I am disappointed, I am sad, but I am not going to beat myself up about it, because I know this man, and I am sure you do too. He is lost, and afraid, and needs your love. He does not need your judgment, your pity or your anger. Next time I see this man, I will not turn away. I will trust that when I open my mouth in faith, God will speak through me in all His wisdom and pour out His unconditional love this man needs so desperately. With our hearts filled with the love of Christ, anything is possible. We just have to trust. I was lost, but not anymore because now I know the truth. If you, or someone you know is lost, reach out. Don’t be afraid that you do not have the answers, or that you don’t know what to say… Just open your heart and show them God’s unconditional love, which He has placed in all our hearts, whether you believe it or not.

God bless you.

Amanda x

 

Beautiful compliments.

by Leave a Comment

Last night, as I was walking down Grey street in Southbank, Brisbane, my stride was temporarily slowed as I approached a large group of girls getting off a tour bus in front of the theatre. The ‘girls’ were young, probably averaging at 16 or 17 years of age, and buzzed with excitement as they spilled on to the footpath. They were all immaculately groomed, and if I had to guess would have been from some sort of dance school, or performance group. I had my ears pricked, as I always do when walking the streets alone at night and heard one of the girls say to one of the other girls as she approached her, “You’re looking really skinny!” It was said with a smile, and was mean’t as a compliment to which the girl replied “thank you”, lifting her head slightly in pride. As I looked at the girl, boy was she thin, hollywood thin, not an ounce of body fat to be found. My heart sank at that moment, as I thought to myself, that is all the fuel that girl needs to skip another meal, to continue on that destructive diet, to keep persisting until she reaches that elusive state of PERFECTION. Let me tell you, she will never get there. She will never be satisfied, nor happy, nor joyous. She will never LOVE herself for exactly who she is when society, her friends, her family, the media are feeding her with such nonsense. It is hard to escape. As a former professional dancer I know. The very show (perhaps the ballet) she was about to absorb is filled with women trapped in little girls bodies. Completely unatural beings gliding across the stage as though they do not have a care in the world. Two words, ‘Black Swan’. Yes, the film was dramatic, and horrifying, and uncomfortable. Sadly it was not too far from the truth. It demonstrated the real psychological challenges faced by dancers, and not just dancers, but many women in this world. The crushing path they tread is literally killing them!

I could talk about this issue for a very long time, as it is close to my heart. I have had to battle my own skinny demons, and let me tell you, they and what they represent dragged me down, squashed my face in to the ground and made me feel worthless! Your worth = your weight, or the quality of your makeup, or whether or not your hair is having a good or bad day, that pimple on your face, the jeans that are that little bit too tight… The list goes on, and I am sure you get the point.

On another related note, I was sitting in a cafe in Brisbane a little while back, when I looked up to see a woman in her 60’s (I think, was hard to tell) waiting for her take away. She looked at me, and gave a half smile, or at least she tried to smile. Her face was so filled with botox, and her lips contained enough collagen to rivel any old Hollywood celebrity. Wow, how sad, I thought. Sad because by that point in her life, after 60 or so years on this planet, she had not yet discovered where beauty comes from. Sadder still, is that no-one in her life cared to share the truth with her. Like the 16 year old girl, filled with skinny pride, what they chase will never eventuate. PERFECTION will never be achieved. For it does not exist (in humanity).

Beauty can not be measured in weight or wrinkles, it is something that shines from within. Its home is your heart, your spirit, your soul. You cannot touch it, yet you can feel it. When you are surrounded by beautiful people, you FEEL good! They exude positivity, they encourage, and strengthen. They don’t care what you look like, for they see you from the inside. So next time you want to give a friend a ‘compliment’, think about what you’re saying. Compliment her on her smile, her kindness, her patience, her love, her courage… Her heart! The sooner we women learn the truth about beauty and accept, and love ourselves just the way we are, the sooner we will be FREE to express ourselves the way God intended, to love oursleves and others like He loves us.

God bless x